On Motherhood

Well I guess today is as good as any to talk about motherhood - the good, the bad and the ugly. Trust me, I'm not planning to say anything new, but perhaps will have you nodding along all the same.

I know out there in blogland there are some lovely blogs featuring mothers and their children at the center, and in many of those, they may as well be set in Pleasantville for all that they seem to portray. Put on the spot, I'm hopeful these mothers would be honest enough to admit that life is not all roses - their children misbehave, their house resorts to chaos at times, they raise their voices and spit the dummy just like the rest of us. I'm not against them putting their best world forward - afterall, it's the picture they paint that often inspires the rest of us to want to do better within our own families. Not everyone wants a whine fest or to explore the darker side of day to day life as a mother.



When I had my first child, I didn't find it too hard to adjust. Even adopting mostly 'attached parenting' philosophies, which can require almost constant physical and emotional contact with your baby, wasn't too taxing. Infact with one child, I found it relatively easy for the first 18 months at least. With my second babe however, motherhood become exponentially harder it seemed. I was still breastfeeding my eldest - a good thing on some days, a difficult thing on others. It was suddenly easier to get 'touched out', and downtimes (mine) seemed evermore important. There were times (and there still are) I flew into rages and lost myself in anger. I didn't recognise this person, except as someone I didn't like anymore. In the aftermath, the horrendous guilt would compound feelings of inadequacy. I worried (and still do) about the affects my behaviour would have on my children.

I wish I could pinpoint where the feelings of not being good enough come from - perhaps it is something many of us share. I am an only child - so I didn't get to see my own mother mothering siblings, nor do I have brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, to see what other families look like. For the most part, I think my mum was a good mum - she has certainly done the best she could. She is there for me in ways that it matters. If there were failings, I'd say it's at least in part, letting me know at times (albeit inadvertantly) that I somehow wasn't good enough at something or even AS somebody. I know it wasn't intentional, but I see it in my own parenting at times. That need for our children to be a certain way, be it well behaved, or clever, or heaven forbid agreeable. Already there are things,traits, secretly, and mostly silently I would wish away from my children. Is that because my ego and my own self perception can't handle the way they may reflect on me?? Or is it a genuine fear that by being a certain way, their lives may be made more difficult for them? Either way, of course I know they have their own path - and they are not mine to possess in any way. If a child needs nothing else, it is unconditional love and acceptance. We are all flawed afterall and require the space to be the best we can without out judgement, without criticism. *Sigh*, you know it's hard.

As a mother now of three, the challenges of time add another degree of difficulty. With two older children who can play together, I am released of the duty of entertaining them for much of the time - but their needs, both physical and emotional are still high. There are days when I don't think I meet them, but I am also challenged to cut myself some slack, as I do believe I am doing the best I can. There are times when I really don't know am I doing the right thing! With respect to discipline, we seem to make up a lot as we go along, not knowing how it will turn out. I am slightly awed by parents who just seem to know what to do in any given moment, and are totally convinced that it's the right thing. I imagine by the time I feel I've got a handle on it, the kids will be moved out and giving me grey hairs over things I'll have no control over.



So I guess it's fair to say, a lot of the time, I don't think of myself as a very good mother. The best I can say is that each day I do resolve to do better, and to ensure that I try to be all that my children need me to be. Perhaps it's normal to feel this way - and it's that very emotion that drives us to rise to the challenge.

I would not swap my children, or the trials of motherhood for the world...but it really is such a tough gig.

Happy Mothers Day to everyone muddling along with it!