Before I decide whether this is a too much information post...I'm just going to dive in.
I've alluded in the past to issues I've had with my 5yo son I'm sure. Perhaps not in too much detail but anyways...there is stuff, always stuff.
My marvellous, spirited, uber intelligent son challenges us on a daily basis. He is not hyper, or 'naughty', or overly anything really...but I don't think he's quite 'normal' either. Define normal? Your guess is as good as mine. But I do think he lies outside the realm of a 'normal' 5 year old in certain ways. And as his parent, I guess in a way I've been desensitised to many of his quirks etc over time. Perhaps I have even been in denial, attributing different behaviours to him being bright, or hungry, or tired, or so many other things.
We have certainly found wheat/gluten does not do him any favours and can unbalance his emotional state very quickly so we avoid foods that contain gluten. But that in itself has not eliminated all his worrisome behaviours (nor my concerns). At 5 he still has serious meltdowns over seemingly trival things - and this despite his obvious intelligence and understanding. (When he comes out of his meltdowns he can talk about them coherently, but he can't actually control them in the moment, nor can he swtich them off for kinder. This is a sign that the problem isn't simply behavioural)
At least one person I know has mentioned the word Aspergers to me ever so gently in conversation...not because she necessarily sees that, or knows him well enough to suggest it - but just in response to what I've mentioned about him. ADD has crossed my mind, but doesn't fit in every sense of the word. It sounds bad, but I suspect I'm a sufferer myself - I find it easy to get hooked on things I enjoy and pretty much impossible to focus on stuff I'm not interested in. I've certainly hoped he is not bipolar...he doesn't seem to get depressed, but then again, some of the traits ring true.
With any of these conditions, diagnosis can seem somewhat subjective, and perhaps pointless in some cases. For example, a negative diagnosis of any of the things I've mentioned won't change the fact that there are behaviours that trouble him (and us). I have to ask myself what I hope to achieve by seeking a professional opinion.
I know at least a part of it is wanting to know that this is not something I have done, or that my parenting can control. I don't want people to see my child doing something and decide I am a lousy parent...it would be easier to say "well he has {insert fancy term}" and hopefully get some understanding. Especially with him starting school...well I'd like to know what I'm working with, and give teachers a heads up too. I know there are ways to mitigate his emotional instability - but it is a lot of work and requires understanding and compassion. He will NOT respond to punitive measures, or traditional disciplinary measures, and infact these are hugely counterproductive!
So we are going to get a referral to a child psychologist who can hopefully shed some light on some of these issues. I think any diagnosis, including no diagnosis is a good thing, because I can put my mind to rest a bit either way. I'll either be relieved to find he is 'normal', or grateful to put a name to our troubles and learn the best way to help him achieve his full potential.
Monday, July 13, 2009
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15 comments:
I find this post very interesting. I have lots of discussions with my mother (who is a primary school teacher) about my 3-1/2 year old. My Mum's analysis is that my daughter is a highly intelligent kid who doesn't have the life experiences to cope emotionally all the time. Hence we have the types of meltdowns that you talk about having with your son. I'm working on keeping her intellectually stimulated and supporting her the best I can when she loses the plot. We aren't at the stage of talking to a medical professional but she isn't nearing school yet either. Hopefully things will improve for her as she gets older.
I'm very cautious about labelling kids with Aspergers or ADHD. They seem so general that I wonder if it really means very much at all.
It is evident that you care about your children and you shouldn't worry about what other people think of you or your children. You know the whole situation and they don't - of course this is far easier said than done. Best of luck.
I know I made it a bit more about 'me', but really, the worry moreso stems from him being treated inadequately due to poor behaviour, that he essentially couldn't control if he wanted to.
At 3.5 I guess it can all still be normalised - at 5, it's more difficult. FWIW I'm sure I've read that 5 and 6 is the age when Aspergers would be diagnosed...
I know what you mean about being cautious. Me too. There are so many different conditions out there which really seem to just be 'kids being kids'. I think though that providing kids aren't being overmedicated for example, if the label gets them better support in the school system or society in general then why not?
For me, I have been trying to wish the stuff away, and my husband is a good one for kind of downplaying stuff...but I guess my gut instinct just tells me something isn't quite right and so it probably isn't.
An expert opinion isn't needed so much to validate my feelings, but moreso to get support and strategies to deal with his behaviour - especially as so much of the traditional discipline just grates on me and most definitely will excaserbate his issues.
And not to concern you by any means, but really at 3.5 F was actually pretty good. He's actually gotten a lot worse in the last year I'd say (until we cut out the wheat), now he has his good days and bad days, but most days it's a slog negotiating life in general with him, despite him being a generally nice, helpful, eager to please kind of kid.
Well, all I can say is, if you think something is out of kilter, it probably is, whether it's "labellable" or not. You are an intelligent, observant, loving mother who knows her own child, and no-one is in a better position to see that things are NQR for F. That doesn't necessarily mean anything shocking, of course. And you are so, so right to want to find ways to help him before school starts, even if that help consists of heads-ups to teachers about his learning style and emotional needs. Starting school s a stressful and challenging event for any kid and they SOOOO do not need to start it off wearing the "problem" tag for behaviour they aren't able to self-manage.
BTW, just for interest, I showed your post to my mum who works as an aide to kids with both ADHD and Aspbergers. She immediately said, "Won't be bipolar, doubt it's ADHD, but might be Aspberger's based on that info, but it'd have to be pretty mild." She then added, "Most of the really bright ones are a little bit Aspy!" (She's a cynic ;-) The good news of course being that mild Aspbergers is VERY manageable and well understood now. Not that I'm saying he has it, because really, what would I know, I'm just some random person on the InterWebs ... OK, shutting up now ...
(After saying, good on you for working this through, and I hope you get some useful answers from this process).
Kathy that honestly gave me chills reading that. It's pretty much how I feel...being a spectrum disorder, he could well be at the very beginning, so a mild case.
My hubby is a bright one, who (and who won't admit it) has trouble communicating (nods at me from the other room where I can't see him), occasinally rocks, and whispers to himself (unknowingly) when he's driving. No-one but me would really notice that stuff, but back in the day he himself may have been diagnosed as having Aspergers...as an adult, those little quirks are unnoticeable and he has managed any communication/social issues just fine.
Interesting for sure. I'm really glad you showed your mum my post.
Its intersting what others say as well as your own concerns regrading F. All I can add from my own recent expereinces is that while investiagtions can sometimes not lead to what is the exact issue, they can often lead to discovering what it is not, (which in my limited opinion is sometimes a better outcome)
My F has been through many medical investigations in his short life, and recently behavioural ones. I am still not at the bottom of the pictue but slowly we seem to be eliminating what it is not.
We have seen some massive changes recently in his behaviour and many previously concerning aspects are now not so..
I dont want to say it will all come out in the wash because I have worked with children with ADD and early intervention is a vital key in their development.
So ulimately I am saying, you are starting in the right place, eliminating the causes, and seeking out what is cause. If you find what it isn't it can be just as helpful.
The F's behavioral specialist at school said to me that you sometimes needs to see the right person to get to the bottom of it.
A psychologist will see things from one perspective, but it might take a few more perspectives to get to the bottom of the issue.
We took James to the Educational Psych at 8. And I wish I had done it earlier. I kept hoping he'd grow out of 'it' and he just didn't.
Like you I wondered if it was ADHD or Aspergers. We still don't have a definate 'label' for James. He bets 3 of the 4 areas for Aspergers. He has sever Dyslexia, Short term memory problems, Visual and auditory discrimination disorders and expressive language disorder. Every time we go to a professional we get another disorder or delay to add to our list.
We couldn't take James to little athletics because if he didn't win the race he would throw a huge meltdown. He still has meltdowns and shut downs at school wether it's due to his frustration or due to him manipulating to get out of work he finds hard I have no idea at times. One good thing we did get out of the assessments was that James had average to above average intelligence. I was worried he also had some intellectual disability.
The only disorder he gets funded for in school is the expressive language, which means he gets a little help in the classroom. It's just so frustrating, everyone agrees there is something not right but no one has a specific label to stick onto it so we don't get the funding for James to get the help he needs in the classroom.
Anyway, I really just want to wish you the best of luck with the journey ahead. I hope you get some answers that will help.
I just wanted to add. I also thought maybe Bi-polar with James he goes from one extreme of emotion to the other. Everything is in the extreme. If he kicks the ball in soccer he runs around the court and does a happy dance and I feel so embarrassed as all the other parents look on at his strange behaviour. And if he misses the ball he's on the ground crying and he's 10 now.
Thank you so much K and T for your perspective.
Tracy that sounds very hard...I have chosen a school based on the fact that it boasts a 'non competitive' environment. We haven't had to deal with winning/losing too much, but definitely F wants to be first, and some days yes it can cause a meltdown...I certainly don't want him to be put in a situation where 'losing' is going to be an issue.
Anyways yes I'm on this road now...and I have to stay the course. I always remind myself too how blessed I am...I mean my boy is you know mostly healthy - there are far harder things parents have to deal with than this (and possibly harder things in the future).
Will keep you all posted.
there's a boy L goes to Scouts with - he's nearly 8 I think - he's high-functioning autistic apparently. I feel a little ashamed to say that until I found that out I thought he was just a little snot of a kid :( He's very aggressive, particularly towards his younger brother, and he slips into major meltdowns quite regularly and spectacularly three or four times a session over extremely minor things (we're there for an hour only). I'm not in any way suggesting this might be your problem, just agreeing in a way I suppose, that getting a diagnosis one way or the other could make a big difference to the way he's treated and perceived. And of course to the way you handle him. I'm wary of labelling and diagnosing children too - there seems to be so much need to control children these days - but if it were me I'd want to know what the problem might be (even if it is simply behavioural) because how on earth do you manage it correctly if you don't know?
Good luck with it, I hope that you can get some answers either way so that you can help your little man the best way possible.
Hey you described Morgan to a tea and we have finally found food is the issue. She would have a meltdown over the smallest thing and it could take a good hour and everyone in the houses sanity to calm her down.
YOu mentioned gluten so you know some food is trigger but have you thought about going Failsafe for a while just to see if there is a difference. Morgan is a huge amine responder but we are getting there and finally finding results.
It feels nice to want to spend time with your child again instead of resentment and dread over the last 10years.
Oh Rebecca, you know I probably should try it...we don't have colours or preservitives really, but I wonder about other things that could be triggers.
I know it's worthwhile, but at the same time, to do more over and above the gluten seems overwhelming.
I'm in the middle of reading Gut and Psychology Syndrome and she has things to cut out of the diet also.
Anyway glad to hear you have had such success with Morgan. Certainly gives me hope for all the things we can try.
hi,
I know that a post of mine about my son rang true to you a few weeks back. I have to say that what you have written here is the same conversations I have had with others and thoughts I have had go through my head, about my eldest for a couple of years now.
I thought Aspergers for a while but am not sure and am now thinking maybe ADHD. My DH may have it (MIL is not sure, but thinks he was diagnosed as a child) . I feel that I sometimes have it too for the same reasons you mentioned.
After many issues at school I asked his teacher to start the assessment process. I am happy for the results to be negative to being anything other than him being a highly intelligent and sensitive kid :) but I also need to know for sure! It is not easy :( and I am thinking of you and if you would like to talk at all at any time then I am happy to exchange email addy's (in private, perhaps a comment on my blog with yours and I will not publish it :) ) .
I'd be interested to find out what happens with the child psych, if you are comfortable enough to share.
I agree with some of your other commentors... from my limited knowledge of your gorgeous boy I don't hear or see ADHA or bipolar, if anything aspergers.
More than anything I hope you get to chat to a lovely psych and just put it out there. I can't tell you the difference that made for me.. to talk to someone who didn't know my girls, who didn't know me, who had no agenda... who was actually subjective. To finally have someone understand that I needed to know if it was just me worrying or if there were things we needed to address.
For us we got a 'diagnosis' of 'sensitive and very bright' and that all powerful thing of 'twins'... nothing concrete, nothing dramatic but just talking about it with someone was immensely powerful for me.
Could write more but must go get those sensitive, bright twin girls from kinder... thinking of you guys and do feel free to email anytime!
I was a true sceptic on FS and thought it was all the crap in food that could be the issue but we have found cheese, meat and "normal" food is an issue.
The diet isn't that bad and does become second nature but it sure is worth looking into as a non medication alternative.
As you know, I have adult diagnosed ADD, and was worried about E for the longest time. Certainly, his behaviour is sometimes outside the norm and this has been recognised professionally by teachers and medical professionals alike. The diagnosis we have is that of mild attachment disorder (which is incredibly ironic, I must say)...
We were also told that in visual-spatial areas he is above average intelligence, measuring at 11 years when he was 8. This may indicate visual-spatial giftedness, which comes with other challenges (can high intelligence come without challenges, I ask you?)...
It HAS been good to have something to say to others - especially to his teachers when his behaviour doesn't fit into the narrow "norm". Having a label isn't the same as having a cure, unfortunately...
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