Flat

I am feeling really stupid even posting this, but need to get it off my chest.

Today my closest and longest friend told me that her sister and her other best friend will be her bridesmaids at her wedding. She asked me if I was disappointed and I said "no, no..." whilst waving my hand away. She said, "oh you're disappointed" and I just changed the topic as easily as I could. Even though she's been engaged for months now she never mentioned bridesmaids, and I just assumed she wasn't having them. And I knew that even if she was, she's one of those people with lots of friends and close family so there was a good chance, probable chance that I would not be a bridesmaid.

Let me first be clear, I have never in my life wanted to be a bridesmaid...I mean it's just not something that ever crossed my mind. But it occurred to me driving home that this was probably my last chance to be one, and that I couldn't help but feel sad, that despite knowing this friend for two thirds of my life I will not stand beside her in a pretty dress in her wedding photo. And if I don't just get the bleep over it, then I will feel that pang whenever I see her wedding photos (because that's just the type of girl I am)...

This is not life shattering. That I've never been in this situation before is astonishing enough to me...I realise now that there must have been scores of women friends who have remained unchosen by their friends to be a part of their wedding.

And life is like that. Silly things, or maybe not so silly things, can throw our day, our world even, off kilter. We want our kids to be resilient, and that's easy enough when they're healthy, and bright, or popular, or funny and things just flow their way. As adults we know that often times there are things that can upset the balance, seemingly minor things can really alter our mood for a while if we let them.

I'm hopeful just writing this down will help. I feel a little childish for being upset over this...the friend she has chosen should definitely be in her wedding party, no question. But I do feel like the kid who didn't get picked for the team you know. Anyway I'll feel it, live it, roll it over in my mind for a bit and then get the fuck over it. That's what grownups have to do right?