I've been thinking a bit today, and at other times about what a Good Mother looks like.
We all have our preconceived ideas, which morph and shift as we move through conception, to pregnancy, to real life, in the deep end, no turning back motherhood.
There are things I've done (do), which no question I think are the 'right' things for my children, be it for their health or general wellbeing. But being only human there is probably lots I've done (do) wrong too.
One thing today that struck me as interesting in my thoughts was the way in which we (and society generally) are quick to judge parenting as the issue in some children's behaviour. Whereas at the same time, our friends are quick to tell us, "it's not your fault at all" when little Johnny is a misbehaving snot of a child.
Can we have it both ways? Some kids do have behavioural issues which may be linked to food, or allergies, or other mental issues and pity the poor parent who gets the 'bad parent' tag in those instances. But our moods DO affect our kids. Certainly the less stressed I am, the less stressed my kids are. And to that end there's obviously a chicken and an egg thing to those already 'spirited' children who push their parents to the edge, and who thereby become stressed, and the cycle continues. What a bloody minefield!
I do feel like a bad parent. I know I've said that here before, and I've been not so great on many an occasion since. In my defence though - it's often my best. I'm not sure how I feel about that. That my best couldn't be a little bit better.
Investigating it, exploring it, owning it...I hope it all contributes to a better day tomorrow...and the day after that.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
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3 comments:
It's an interesting topic. I've seen some pretty out of control kids where I'd say it had a LOT to do with how they were parented, or not parented, as the case may be.
There are parents with spirited kids who just give up after a while as well, because it's becomes too much and they just don't have enough support. But when you have a parent justifying the child's aggressive behaviour (for example) to another child as "just normal play, every child is like this at some point", then I think the parent might be part of the problem, yk?
On the other hand, if the child is out of control, but the parent is seen to be actively trying to run interference and guide the child, then I'd say the parent is doing whatever they can, and then it's not the parents fault (fault meaning that something isn't working right, or at all).
I realised when I had my third that the issues I'd had with my first two had a lot to do with their personalities and maturity levels and not just that I was a useless parent. My third had a different personality, and when I was with him I looked like a great parent, but it wasn't anything I'd done differently than with my first two, it was just that his personality responded better to my best parenting efforts.
So, in some cases, "it's not your fault" is true enough, and in other cases it's just a response that is meant to encourage the parent to keep trying to work with the child, LOL...
*Sigh*
There is so much I could write on this but I fear just sounding ungrateful, or whingy or seomthing not nice.
We'll talk when next we meet.
All I can hope for is to do my best today which may not actually resemble anything similar to my best tomorrow, nor my best yesterday.
*hugs*
What I find is that I (like to think) I can tell what other parents are doing "wrong" with their kids. I realise this isn't fair at all considering I don't know all the details of living with those particular children day in and day out. However on the flip side I can't for the life of me see what I'm doing wrong with mine. I feel like I make the best decisions that I can but when things don't go to plan and I have a child behaving like a little snot I usually have limited ideas of how to fix the situation or prevent it from happening again. I wish I could step back and see the situation from my know-it-all self and give myself some good advice.
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