I don't even like the word, do you?
I just copped some for a lighthearted comment I made on a blog. It was a fat acceptance blog, and late at night, whilst reading a post, a weightloss ad kept flashing at me. So I commented on the irony of that (as you do).
Anyway the moderator sent me a snarky reply that she doesn't run google ads so basically I was a liar.
I have no knowledge how it happened, but I'm hardly going to waste my time making up some crap to post on a blog...*ho hum*
In all my time using the net I've seen a lot of snark, but fortunately have rarely been on the receiving end. It doesn't feel good. Just as I am unprepared for conflict in real life, I am just as unprepared in cyberspace.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tired now...just smile
Oh gosh there are some great comments coming in, and SOOOO much more to say on appearance, fat, acceptance and so on.
But you know what, I think my brain just did a few weeks worth of work in those last few posts. I know - it wasn't much. But for all the use it gets these days, that was a veritable work out for my poor brain.
As many of you may have figured out I am a lover of football - the AFL variety. Have been my whole life, and I watch as many shows as I can relating to football, including televised games even when it's not my team. Anyway tonight on Before the Game, Vossy, when asked about being a happy man, mentioned he likes to smile...and said something else about good energy or some such thing. And I thought, you know, the man's onto something.
So tomorrow I plan to smile a lot. Just because I can.
But you know what, I think my brain just did a few weeks worth of work in those last few posts. I know - it wasn't much. But for all the use it gets these days, that was a veritable work out for my poor brain.
As many of you may have figured out I am a lover of football - the AFL variety. Have been my whole life, and I watch as many shows as I can relating to football, including televised games even when it's not my team. Anyway tonight on Before the Game, Vossy, when asked about being a happy man, mentioned he likes to smile...and said something else about good energy or some such thing. And I thought, you know, the man's onto something.
So tomorrow I plan to smile a lot. Just because I can.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
On Appearance
I still feel like I'm not getting the words out right. I want to be careful about what I say and how I say it.
I guess for the longest time I've felt that women (and men, but mostly women) would do better to direct the energy they spend worrying about their appearance elsewhere. Imagine, if instead of drying my hair, doing my make up, waxing my legs etc I devoted those hours to volunteer work for example (heck devoting it to my kids would be a start). For the most part I've spent very little time on those things. As a rule I don't wear make up (have been a bit more recently, more on that later), very rarely blow dried my hair, and certainly forget to go to the hairdressers (I probably manage an annual visit if that). A friend of mine at highschool would routinely spend an hour or two to get ready to go anywhere. She had a sister 11 months younger than her who was similar, and quite frankly it was ridiculous. My friend was (and is) consistenly late to anywhere, and back then, hours late. I still shake my head. She was a very beautiful girl who could never let the world see her without her face. I've known several people like this in my life.
When I talk about things I can't 'unknow', this relates to one of them. I will never believe that prepping and preening on a regular basis is adequate use of my time. So despite wishing at times I looked better than I do, I can't justify the effort required to get there. I know people say 'it's for me, no-one else', and I get that a little bit. Because of course, when you step out feeling you look wonderful, well you do indeed generally feel pretty good too...but where does that feel good come from? Isn't a bit of it at least the hoping/knowing that others think you look good too? And what of it? How does that give me value? If I looked like a sack of crap would I be worth less?
Of course there's no escaping that for the sighted, we make our first judgements, usually (and I say usually because we do meet so many people on the internet sight unseen these days), based on appearance. It may not be so much about whether someone is attractive or not to us, but moreso are they hygenic (clean clothes?), do they have money or not (labels? value of their clothing?), are they 'hip' and so on and so on.
Because I've recently moved, I've found it more important to present myself a certain way in my new environment. I want to be accepted by the other mums at kinder for example, and short of speaking to them, part of it is fitting in - trying to first figure out how to look the part, and then to ensure that I do. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and revealing how superficial I am by admitting this. I don't remember being this obsessed in my younger days...(the grunge period actually suited me just fine as I was too poor to own much more than jeans, flannies and blunnies, and besides that's what I liked to wear.)
I think at least a part too of this new obsession on looking a certain way is getting older. I can't hold onto my youth via a bare face and ponytail. All the women I can think of my age and older really take care of how they look.
But it still all really shits me. I just don't want to care! Because it's all so shallow, so pointless really when compared to real life!
Has any of that made sense?
I guess for the longest time I've felt that women (and men, but mostly women) would do better to direct the energy they spend worrying about their appearance elsewhere. Imagine, if instead of drying my hair, doing my make up, waxing my legs etc I devoted those hours to volunteer work for example (heck devoting it to my kids would be a start). For the most part I've spent very little time on those things. As a rule I don't wear make up (have been a bit more recently, more on that later), very rarely blow dried my hair, and certainly forget to go to the hairdressers (I probably manage an annual visit if that). A friend of mine at highschool would routinely spend an hour or two to get ready to go anywhere. She had a sister 11 months younger than her who was similar, and quite frankly it was ridiculous. My friend was (and is) consistenly late to anywhere, and back then, hours late. I still shake my head. She was a very beautiful girl who could never let the world see her without her face. I've known several people like this in my life.
When I talk about things I can't 'unknow', this relates to one of them. I will never believe that prepping and preening on a regular basis is adequate use of my time. So despite wishing at times I looked better than I do, I can't justify the effort required to get there. I know people say 'it's for me, no-one else', and I get that a little bit. Because of course, when you step out feeling you look wonderful, well you do indeed generally feel pretty good too...but where does that feel good come from? Isn't a bit of it at least the hoping/knowing that others think you look good too? And what of it? How does that give me value? If I looked like a sack of crap would I be worth less?
Of course there's no escaping that for the sighted, we make our first judgements, usually (and I say usually because we do meet so many people on the internet sight unseen these days), based on appearance. It may not be so much about whether someone is attractive or not to us, but moreso are they hygenic (clean clothes?), do they have money or not (labels? value of their clothing?), are they 'hip' and so on and so on.
Because I've recently moved, I've found it more important to present myself a certain way in my new environment. I want to be accepted by the other mums at kinder for example, and short of speaking to them, part of it is fitting in - trying to first figure out how to look the part, and then to ensure that I do. Perhaps I am being ridiculous and revealing how superficial I am by admitting this. I don't remember being this obsessed in my younger days...(the grunge period actually suited me just fine as I was too poor to own much more than jeans, flannies and blunnies, and besides that's what I liked to wear.)
I think at least a part too of this new obsession on looking a certain way is getting older. I can't hold onto my youth via a bare face and ponytail. All the women I can think of my age and older really take care of how they look.
But it still all really shits me. I just don't want to care! Because it's all so shallow, so pointless really when compared to real life!
Has any of that made sense?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
No comments?
OK just to be clear...I hope my last post didn't imply that I was 'fattist' and am now learning not to be. Nope nope nope, that wasn't my point. I know I was being slightly cryptic as I'm still working a lot of it out in my head.
By the way, did you know that 'fat' is not a dirty word? I would say at least part of the fat acceptance movement is owning the language, and not apologising or pretending to be something other that what you are. Even though I am probably what would be known as an 'inbetweenie' I am allowed to say that I am fat if I want to. I don't have to sanitise it by using words like overweight, or heavenforbid 'fluffy'.
There's not much new I can say here as there are so many FA blogs out there with many more intelligent voices, but I talk about it in this space as it seems the current obsession (ours and societys in general) with weight loss is out of control.
In 'The Age' today Catherine Deveny made an excellent point about women's magazines promoting food porn on one page, and then selling clothes you couldn't possibly hope to wear if you ate said food on another!
Weight loss is always talked about as necessary under the guise of 'health' and in some cases this may hold value - but at the same time I think for many that's just something that we say. For many I suspect it's still about appearance, beauty, and the fact that we don't feel valuable unless we feel attractive. Because let's face it, there are plenty of women who will swap health, for looking 'good'. I'm thinking those who are willing to starve themselves via purging or other means. Or those who are willing to have major surgeries to look a certain way.
Please make no mistake, I make no judgement of these women (or men) - but I do look at society in general and it's attitude towards appearance and want to give it the big finger.
As I said earlier I am probably an 'inbetweenie'. For most of my adult life I have been about 10kgs lighter than I am now. Most people probably wouldn't look at me and call me fat. Perhaps they would call me chubby or slightly overweight. Or if someone hadn't seen me for 10 years they might think 'she's put on a bit of weight'. I am coming to my point shortly by the way...I guess in my younger days a lot of my identity was tied up in how I was perceived by the opposite sex. Is this normal? For me I suppose it was. As I find myself now, mother of three, thirty six years of age, married for nearly a decade and 10kgs heavier than I was when I met my husband I still struggle daily with the negative voices in my head that tell me I'm not thin enough, not tall enough, my teeth aren't white enough, I'm not good enough.
Luckily I give those voices the finger too on most days. Because I know that my value as a person does not have one flipping thing to do with how I look, or my body mass.
So that's what my last post was a little bit about. That the evolution of my personal politics sometimes clashes with my ingrained (wrong) beliefs, but I'm working on that. And I'm really enjoying it.
PS: I must ETA a reminder to self talk about "I'll be happy when...[insert miraculous transformation or weight loss]". Because that's a big bag of BS too...
By the way, did you know that 'fat' is not a dirty word? I would say at least part of the fat acceptance movement is owning the language, and not apologising or pretending to be something other that what you are. Even though I am probably what would be known as an 'inbetweenie' I am allowed to say that I am fat if I want to. I don't have to sanitise it by using words like overweight, or heavenforbid 'fluffy'.
There's not much new I can say here as there are so many FA blogs out there with many more intelligent voices, but I talk about it in this space as it seems the current obsession (ours and societys in general) with weight loss is out of control.
In 'The Age' today Catherine Deveny made an excellent point about women's magazines promoting food porn on one page, and then selling clothes you couldn't possibly hope to wear if you ate said food on another!
Weight loss is always talked about as necessary under the guise of 'health' and in some cases this may hold value - but at the same time I think for many that's just something that we say. For many I suspect it's still about appearance, beauty, and the fact that we don't feel valuable unless we feel attractive. Because let's face it, there are plenty of women who will swap health, for looking 'good'. I'm thinking those who are willing to starve themselves via purging or other means. Or those who are willing to have major surgeries to look a certain way.
Please make no mistake, I make no judgement of these women (or men) - but I do look at society in general and it's attitude towards appearance and want to give it the big finger.
As I said earlier I am probably an 'inbetweenie'. For most of my adult life I have been about 10kgs lighter than I am now. Most people probably wouldn't look at me and call me fat. Perhaps they would call me chubby or slightly overweight. Or if someone hadn't seen me for 10 years they might think 'she's put on a bit of weight'. I am coming to my point shortly by the way...I guess in my younger days a lot of my identity was tied up in how I was perceived by the opposite sex. Is this normal? For me I suppose it was. As I find myself now, mother of three, thirty six years of age, married for nearly a decade and 10kgs heavier than I was when I met my husband I still struggle daily with the negative voices in my head that tell me I'm not thin enough, not tall enough, my teeth aren't white enough, I'm not good enough.
Luckily I give those voices the finger too on most days. Because I know that my value as a person does not have one flipping thing to do with how I look, or my body mass.
So that's what my last post was a little bit about. That the evolution of my personal politics sometimes clashes with my ingrained (wrong) beliefs, but I'm working on that. And I'm really enjoying it.
PS: I must ETA a reminder to self talk about "I'll be happy when...[insert miraculous transformation or weight loss]". Because that's a big bag of BS too...
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Getting deep
I've always considered myself a fairly educated and forward thinking person. Yes, at times I am judgemental, but I do challenge myself to transcend this human foible, and aspire to be a non discriminating, tolerant and hopefully politically correct (and I mean that in the best possible way) person.
On my life's journey my thoughts and beliefs have evolved as most of ours (I hope) do with the the birth of my children, the coming of age, the getting of wisdom.
I would say not a day goes by when I don't learn something, or when my unexamined traditional thought processes aren't interrupted in some way. Although I bemoan my inability to escape the internet at times, I have learned so much from participating in forums, and lately, reading interesting blogs.
Of interest to me at the moment is the 'fat acceptance' movement and the many blogs dedicated to it. I would say all contributers of these blogs also identify strongly as feminists and have a lot to say about all sorts of discrimination - not just discrimination against fat people. Somehow (and it's not a bad thing) I am easily swayed by intelligent voices and I need to time to really process my own opinions...but one thing I am surely challenging are my own prejudices. Frankly it's been refreshing, but it also opens new cans of worms for me. You can't 'unknow' what you learn. You can't 'unbelieve' what you know is the truth.
With that in mind I can't read and be accepting of others without pausing to accept myself. I can't continue to discriminate against myself despite considering myself a tolerant person.
I know this post isn't very coherent at the moment, and perhaps I'll return to revise it when I don't have a baby draining all fluids (and perhaps some brain cells with them) via my mammary glands.
I guess I'm just enjoying being challenged, learning, revising, re-assessing. But I'm also left wondering how it is I'm going to just say to that person in the mirror "you're OK". It's something I feel I've needed to do for awhile.
On my life's journey my thoughts and beliefs have evolved as most of ours (I hope) do with the the birth of my children, the coming of age, the getting of wisdom.
I would say not a day goes by when I don't learn something, or when my unexamined traditional thought processes aren't interrupted in some way. Although I bemoan my inability to escape the internet at times, I have learned so much from participating in forums, and lately, reading interesting blogs.
Of interest to me at the moment is the 'fat acceptance' movement and the many blogs dedicated to it. I would say all contributers of these blogs also identify strongly as feminists and have a lot to say about all sorts of discrimination - not just discrimination against fat people. Somehow (and it's not a bad thing) I am easily swayed by intelligent voices and I need to time to really process my own opinions...but one thing I am surely challenging are my own prejudices. Frankly it's been refreshing, but it also opens new cans of worms for me. You can't 'unknow' what you learn. You can't 'unbelieve' what you know is the truth.
With that in mind I can't read and be accepting of others without pausing to accept myself. I can't continue to discriminate against myself despite considering myself a tolerant person.
I know this post isn't very coherent at the moment, and perhaps I'll return to revise it when I don't have a baby draining all fluids (and perhaps some brain cells with them) via my mammary glands.
I guess I'm just enjoying being challenged, learning, revising, re-assessing. But I'm also left wondering how it is I'm going to just say to that person in the mirror "you're OK". It's something I feel I've needed to do for awhile.
Monday, May 25, 2009
The things we do...
My stepdaughter is coming to visit for several weeks in June and I've been meaning to get the spare room in some type of order for her, and any other overnighters we may entertain in the future. Then on the weekend, a friend of mine mentioned coming down for a movie night and staying over, not to mention my nan will be spending a bit of time with us too whilst mum is overseas for the next fortnight - so I felt the push to get on with it.
It is unbelieveable to me, that whilst we've pretty much doubled our house and land size it still feels at times that there is not enough space! We've gained a garage, but lost a roof space - but those two things should sort of balance themselves out right? I've never felt I was a big consumer/hoarder - but considering G and I started out with a teachest each of personal things and a ghettoblaster from the rubbinsh bin, we've accumulated quite a bit over the last ten years of marriage. I'd like to blame the kids, but whilst they do have their own 'stuff' issues, I suspect it's more to do with me holding onto every last scrap of uni notes and texts (although G did force me to throw out some books on Turbo Pascal and C+ programming last night), and G's mini stash of Dungeons and Dragons paraphenalia from three decades ago...and that's just a sample.
Before I could turn the spare room into some type of guest space I had to get some storage happening. This meant a trek first thing down to IKEA yesterday morning. It was too long away from home to leave the babe, nor would I be able to fit stuff in the car if the whole family came...so that meant I had to go it alone with a (heavy) 10 mo old babe strapped to my back. I can tell you it wasn't easy...and an hours drive each way, but somehow we managed to load up a full cart, indulge in meatballs for lunch, and then with a little help from staff acquire a mid size expedit (and reloading of the cart). Getting out of the parking lot was probably the hardest part in the end, and I can't wait until the new IKEA opens later in the year (which will be much closer to me).
And the finished product?
At least somebody seems pleased!
It is unbelieveable to me, that whilst we've pretty much doubled our house and land size it still feels at times that there is not enough space! We've gained a garage, but lost a roof space - but those two things should sort of balance themselves out right? I've never felt I was a big consumer/hoarder - but considering G and I started out with a teachest each of personal things and a ghettoblaster from the rubbinsh bin, we've accumulated quite a bit over the last ten years of marriage. I'd like to blame the kids, but whilst they do have their own 'stuff' issues, I suspect it's more to do with me holding onto every last scrap of uni notes and texts (although G did force me to throw out some books on Turbo Pascal and C+ programming last night), and G's mini stash of Dungeons and Dragons paraphenalia from three decades ago...and that's just a sample.
Before I could turn the spare room into some type of guest space I had to get some storage happening. This meant a trek first thing down to IKEA yesterday morning. It was too long away from home to leave the babe, nor would I be able to fit stuff in the car if the whole family came...so that meant I had to go it alone with a (heavy) 10 mo old babe strapped to my back. I can tell you it wasn't easy...and an hours drive each way, but somehow we managed to load up a full cart, indulge in meatballs for lunch, and then with a little help from staff acquire a mid size expedit (and reloading of the cart). Getting out of the parking lot was probably the hardest part in the end, and I can't wait until the new IKEA opens later in the year (which will be much closer to me).
And the finished product?
At least somebody seems pleased!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Puppy love
In lieu of something interesting to post, I thought I'd introduce you to Rolo, our lab/shepherd/malamute dog. Rolo is about 8 (or 9??), and she's Canadian, and definitely does her own thing (we tried to train her but only got the basics down...)
Anyway she's not much of a puppy anymore, but I guess she'll always be my baby!
Anyway she's not much of a puppy anymore, but I guess she'll always be my baby!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Choosing a school...
is NOT much fun!
When we moved down here, it was in part at least, for the kids to attend a good local school, in an area where we could lay roots. We knew we would not be staying put in our old house, and wanted to try to avoid having to change primary schools when we eventually moved. We didn't look at particular houses for their proximity to schools or anything, and because we moved after the start of the school year I had to take the place offered for preschool - I didn't really have a choice about which one.
Everyone raves about the preschool. The people are nice enough, and the boy doesn't drag his feet too much about going, but truth be told I'm not overly impressed with it. Perhaps I was spoiled by our time at Steiner pre school last year, or perhaps it's just too mainstream for my sensibilities. They really seem to micromanage the kids and get very snippy about things that we wouldn't at home. As well, the activities seem just plain boring to me and I don't see anywhere near the spirit of our last kinder.
Anyway now that we are visiting schools I have a dilemma. I visited the popular school in the area today - the school that the majority of F's preschool feeds into, and I was left feeling very non plussed. It really did nothing for me.
And going through all this it occurred to me that if you don't share the same ideology or values etc with people, then it's kind of pointless getting their opinions on schools because, well, you want different things!
Fortunately there is another school in the area that I have been so far impressed with. It's just a shame that few children from our preschool, if any, tend to go there.
Why oh why can't I be a sheep and just follow the crowd for once in my life?!! I'm not determined to be different - it just always seems to work out that way!
I should add neither school is in real walking distance. I'm looking at 5 mins in the car no matter what so no deciding factors there...
When we moved down here, it was in part at least, for the kids to attend a good local school, in an area where we could lay roots. We knew we would not be staying put in our old house, and wanted to try to avoid having to change primary schools when we eventually moved. We didn't look at particular houses for their proximity to schools or anything, and because we moved after the start of the school year I had to take the place offered for preschool - I didn't really have a choice about which one.
Everyone raves about the preschool. The people are nice enough, and the boy doesn't drag his feet too much about going, but truth be told I'm not overly impressed with it. Perhaps I was spoiled by our time at Steiner pre school last year, or perhaps it's just too mainstream for my sensibilities. They really seem to micromanage the kids and get very snippy about things that we wouldn't at home. As well, the activities seem just plain boring to me and I don't see anywhere near the spirit of our last kinder.
Anyway now that we are visiting schools I have a dilemma. I visited the popular school in the area today - the school that the majority of F's preschool feeds into, and I was left feeling very non plussed. It really did nothing for me.
And going through all this it occurred to me that if you don't share the same ideology or values etc with people, then it's kind of pointless getting their opinions on schools because, well, you want different things!
Fortunately there is another school in the area that I have been so far impressed with. It's just a shame that few children from our preschool, if any, tend to go there.
Why oh why can't I be a sheep and just follow the crowd for once in my life?!! I'm not determined to be different - it just always seems to work out that way!
I should add neither school is in real walking distance. I'm looking at 5 mins in the car no matter what so no deciding factors there...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Exhibit A to E
Voila! Here you have it...proof that this still retains some semblance of a knitting blog! I would love to knit more...sadly there is not enough time. At least not when I spend free hours saying hello and continuing to socialise in this space - this crazy cyber space!
A gift for a new babe (with a wee bell inside)
Socks, who for, I don't know. I guess I should claim them!
The beginnings of a capelet
Loving this scarf, although it's not quite as soft as I'd hoped
Some baby pants
Too lazy to link. Sorry!
PS: Thank you all for taking the time to comment on my last post. It means so very much to me, and I'm sure the other readers that we are not alone in our deeper thoughts on mothering. How nice would it be to be able to sit down and have a cuppa with you all to ease the journey!
A gift for a new babe (with a wee bell inside)
Socks, who for, I don't know. I guess I should claim them!
The beginnings of a capelet
Loving this scarf, although it's not quite as soft as I'd hoped
Some baby pants
Too lazy to link. Sorry!
PS: Thank you all for taking the time to comment on my last post. It means so very much to me, and I'm sure the other readers that we are not alone in our deeper thoughts on mothering. How nice would it be to be able to sit down and have a cuppa with you all to ease the journey!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
On Motherhood
Well I guess today is as good as any to talk about motherhood - the good, the bad and the ugly. Trust me, I'm not planning to say anything new, but perhaps will have you nodding along all the same.
I know out there in blogland there are some lovely blogs featuring mothers and their children at the center, and in many of those, they may as well be set in Pleasantville for all that they seem to portray. Put on the spot, I'm hopeful these mothers would be honest enough to admit that life is not all roses - their children misbehave, their house resorts to chaos at times, they raise their voices and spit the dummy just like the rest of us. I'm not against them putting their best world forward - afterall, it's the picture they paint that often inspires the rest of us to want to do better within our own families. Not everyone wants a whine fest or to explore the darker side of day to day life as a mother.
When I had my first child, I didn't find it too hard to adjust. Even adopting mostly 'attached parenting' philosophies, which can require almost constant physical and emotional contact with your baby, wasn't too taxing. Infact with one child, I found it relatively easy for the first 18 months at least. With my second babe however, motherhood become exponentially harder it seemed. I was still breastfeeding my eldest - a good thing on some days, a difficult thing on others. It was suddenly easier to get 'touched out', and downtimes (mine) seemed evermore important. There were times (and there still are) I flew into rages and lost myself in anger. I didn't recognise this person, except as someone I didn't like anymore. In the aftermath, the horrendous guilt would compound feelings of inadequacy. I worried (and still do) about the affects my behaviour would have on my children.
I wish I could pinpoint where the feelings of not being good enough come from - perhaps it is something many of us share. I am an only child - so I didn't get to see my own mother mothering siblings, nor do I have brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, to see what other families look like. For the most part, I think my mum was a good mum - she has certainly done the best she could. She is there for me in ways that it matters. If there were failings, I'd say it's at least in part, letting me know at times (albeit inadvertantly) that I somehow wasn't good enough at something or even AS somebody. I know it wasn't intentional, but I see it in my own parenting at times. That need for our children to be a certain way, be it well behaved, or clever, or heaven forbid agreeable. Already there are things,traits, secretly, and mostly silently I would wish away from my children. Is that because my ego and my own self perception can't handle the way they may reflect on me?? Or is it a genuine fear that by being a certain way, their lives may be made more difficult for them? Either way, of course I know they have their own path - and they are not mine to possess in any way. If a child needs nothing else, it is unconditional love and acceptance. We are all flawed afterall and require the space to be the best we can without out judgement, without criticism. *Sigh*, you know it's hard.
As a mother now of three, the challenges of time add another degree of difficulty. With two older children who can play together, I am released of the duty of entertaining them for much of the time - but their needs, both physical and emotional are still high. There are days when I don't think I meet them, but I am also challenged to cut myself some slack, as I do believe I am doing the best I can. There are times when I really don't know am I doing the right thing! With respect to discipline, we seem to make up a lot as we go along, not knowing how it will turn out. I am slightly awed by parents who just seem to know what to do in any given moment, and are totally convinced that it's the right thing. I imagine by the time I feel I've got a handle on it, the kids will be moved out and giving me grey hairs over things I'll have no control over.
So I guess it's fair to say, a lot of the time, I don't think of myself as a very good mother. The best I can say is that each day I do resolve to do better, and to ensure that I try to be all that my children need me to be. Perhaps it's normal to feel this way - and it's that very emotion that drives us to rise to the challenge.
I would not swap my children, or the trials of motherhood for the world...but it really is such a tough gig.
Happy Mothers Day to everyone muddling along with it!
I know out there in blogland there are some lovely blogs featuring mothers and their children at the center, and in many of those, they may as well be set in Pleasantville for all that they seem to portray. Put on the spot, I'm hopeful these mothers would be honest enough to admit that life is not all roses - their children misbehave, their house resorts to chaos at times, they raise their voices and spit the dummy just like the rest of us. I'm not against them putting their best world forward - afterall, it's the picture they paint that often inspires the rest of us to want to do better within our own families. Not everyone wants a whine fest or to explore the darker side of day to day life as a mother.
When I had my first child, I didn't find it too hard to adjust. Even adopting mostly 'attached parenting' philosophies, which can require almost constant physical and emotional contact with your baby, wasn't too taxing. Infact with one child, I found it relatively easy for the first 18 months at least. With my second babe however, motherhood become exponentially harder it seemed. I was still breastfeeding my eldest - a good thing on some days, a difficult thing on others. It was suddenly easier to get 'touched out', and downtimes (mine) seemed evermore important. There were times (and there still are) I flew into rages and lost myself in anger. I didn't recognise this person, except as someone I didn't like anymore. In the aftermath, the horrendous guilt would compound feelings of inadequacy. I worried (and still do) about the affects my behaviour would have on my children.
I wish I could pinpoint where the feelings of not being good enough come from - perhaps it is something many of us share. I am an only child - so I didn't get to see my own mother mothering siblings, nor do I have brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, to see what other families look like. For the most part, I think my mum was a good mum - she has certainly done the best she could. She is there for me in ways that it matters. If there were failings, I'd say it's at least in part, letting me know at times (albeit inadvertantly) that I somehow wasn't good enough at something or even AS somebody. I know it wasn't intentional, but I see it in my own parenting at times. That need for our children to be a certain way, be it well behaved, or clever, or heaven forbid agreeable. Already there are things,traits, secretly, and mostly silently I would wish away from my children. Is that because my ego and my own self perception can't handle the way they may reflect on me?? Or is it a genuine fear that by being a certain way, their lives may be made more difficult for them? Either way, of course I know they have their own path - and they are not mine to possess in any way. If a child needs nothing else, it is unconditional love and acceptance. We are all flawed afterall and require the space to be the best we can without out judgement, without criticism. *Sigh*, you know it's hard.
As a mother now of three, the challenges of time add another degree of difficulty. With two older children who can play together, I am released of the duty of entertaining them for much of the time - but their needs, both physical and emotional are still high. There are days when I don't think I meet them, but I am also challenged to cut myself some slack, as I do believe I am doing the best I can. There are times when I really don't know am I doing the right thing! With respect to discipline, we seem to make up a lot as we go along, not knowing how it will turn out. I am slightly awed by parents who just seem to know what to do in any given moment, and are totally convinced that it's the right thing. I imagine by the time I feel I've got a handle on it, the kids will be moved out and giving me grey hairs over things I'll have no control over.
So I guess it's fair to say, a lot of the time, I don't think of myself as a very good mother. The best I can say is that each day I do resolve to do better, and to ensure that I try to be all that my children need me to be. Perhaps it's normal to feel this way - and it's that very emotion that drives us to rise to the challenge.
I would not swap my children, or the trials of motherhood for the world...but it really is such a tough gig.
Happy Mothers Day to everyone muddling along with it!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Randoms
Holy smokes, let the climbing begin!
She's going to make a great office temp doncha think? She's already practising the requisite photocopying of her backside (what's that? Not all temps do that...oh right)
And here's another blow-me-down-with-a-feather happening. M in a dress! M dressing up in fact! This dress and the beads were all handed down from a friends 12 yo. M generally does not do girl clothes, or clothes with no 'pictures or writing', but she's quite keen on hand me downs! She often plays at 'going to school'. In this particular pose (she'll have you know), she's a 'princess who goes to school'...!
She's going to make a great office temp doncha think? She's already practising the requisite photocopying of her backside (what's that? Not all temps do that...oh right)
And here's another blow-me-down-with-a-feather happening. M in a dress! M dressing up in fact! This dress and the beads were all handed down from a friends 12 yo. M generally does not do girl clothes, or clothes with no 'pictures or writing', but she's quite keen on hand me downs! She often plays at 'going to school'. In this particular pose (she'll have you know), she's a 'princess who goes to school'...!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Learning to spell...
...is not all that.
Boy in toilet: Daddy, come here!
Boy in toilet: Daddy, what does T..A..M..P..A..X spell?
Daddy: Tampax
Boy in toilet: Daddy, what are tampax for?
OK, so this is where my hearing cut in and out. Boy ended up asking me, why do you need those for your 'agina'? (Thanks Dad, surely you could have been more creative?).
Me: Urm, I'll tell you when you're 13!
Boy: Thirteen! (Breaks down in laughter as any reference to his future self is unfathomable and totally diverts his attention to the hilarity of it)
Boy in toilet: Daddy, come here!
Boy in toilet: Daddy, what does T..A..M..P..A..X spell?
Daddy: Tampax
Boy in toilet: Daddy, what are tampax for?
OK, so this is where my hearing cut in and out. Boy ended up asking me, why do you need those for your 'agina'? (Thanks Dad, surely you could have been more creative?).
Me: Urm, I'll tell you when you're 13!
Boy: Thirteen! (Breaks down in laughter as any reference to his future self is unfathomable and totally diverts his attention to the hilarity of it)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Nothing to say!
I want to blog, I really do, but I'm at a loss.
I have nothing exciting to say (that did I ever??) but you know what I mean.
There is knitting on the needles and I have recently signed up to a 3 month sock club.
Hope to post some knitting pics when my craft mojo returns!
I have nothing exciting to say (that did I ever??) but you know what I mean.
There is knitting on the needles and I have recently signed up to a 3 month sock club.
Hope to post some knitting pics when my craft mojo returns!
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