My body, my temple?

Not quite.

I don't quite know what's up with me at the moment but I'm treating my body poorly. I'm craving salt and sugar and fat like there's no tomorrow. I'm eating double portions of dinner even when my stomach is groaning (in pain and fullness). Right now I'm having some 2 minute noodles (at 11pm) and have been every other day for a few days. I've been eating McDonalds drive thru just for 'a snack' whenever I can sneak it in (and I am someone who has probably only had McDonalds once a year for the last decade). My thoughts through the day often turn to food and opportunities to enjoy food.

I'm not eating much if any fruit, or cereal, or yoghurt...the types of things that make my body feel good. I do eat vegetables every day (because I love them!) I am drinking at least a glass (and a big glass probably worth two to be fair) of wine every evening, sometimes two. I'm not drinking enough water and am generally going to bed too late. I am probably slowly putting on weight I would consider 'excess'...certainly my clothes are feeling snug. I am not exercising.

All I can really say is thank goodness I quit smoking 10 or so years ago...I reckon I'd be lighting one ciggie off another right now.

So what's going on?

Nothing, everything...I know there's anxiety swirling around under an impossible endless list of to dos. My eldest starts school next year, and although I've enrolled him somewhere I felt happy with, the other night I suddenly started feeling not as confident of that decision as before. I'm having trouble getting my daughter a kinder place as she's a Feb baby and low on the list. I can't get my son into a paediatrician before December, and I'm having trouble finding a psychologist who has time to assess him. It feels like I'm thwarted at every turn some days.

My 14 month old tornado child messes 3 things for every 1 that I tidy, and it seems somehow this is analogous to life in general.

The footy season is coming to an end. Soon Spring will be here for good, and then daylight savings and then those marvellous extra hours to just do stuff...then when kinder lets out...just to 'be'. TV will turn to crap and there will be more time to read, to walk, to garden, to potter.

But why do I look to the future to do stuff I need to do right now? I love my children too much not to look after their mother. Why don't I love my body enough to look after it? Why is it so hard to make myself a priority? Why is it all so darn hard?!!

Another perfectly imperfect...

...spare room slash guest room slash let's-just-chuck-everything-in-here-room until we get a chance to clean it up!

You know you've seen a better photo of that room right?

Perfectly Imperfect...washing line...

Kate at Picklebums had a great idea for a blog post...which was essentially to embrace the imperfection around our homes and lives and post a photo...

I've decided to join in...



That isn't just any washing there my friends...that's washing that was lovely and dry until a big rainshower came and made it all wet again...soaking wet of course...

Why hello!

I have been sucked into the vortex that is Facebook.

I was one of the last people I knew to get a mobile phone. It wasn't something I felt I needed when they first started really getting popular. When I had kids and started having to occasionally leave them to go somewhere alone (blessedly alone!), I did feel the need to keep in touch and finally succumbed. Over time my usage has grown, particularly with the proliferation of texting - which suits casual relationships so well...you know, like the people you meet and are starting out with friendship wise...and you really don't know is it ok to call at 7 or is 9.30 too late etc. Or perhaps you just don't have time to chat. I guess you could argue whether texting is better or worse for increasing ones social network...you miss out on the intimacy of a phone call, but perhaps it's not a phone call you would make anyway.

So Facebook...I set up an account eons ago for a couple of friends who were overseas but for several silly reasons used my Stitch Sista tag rather than my real name. Then the other day I noticed a couple of old school mates post on another friends wall and realised that if I started sending messages to long lost people they would think 'who the hell is this' and I'd have to explain myself each time. Instead I've decided to change it, and had several lovely messages back and forth with old friends. Maybe nothing will come of it other than the occasional comment on a photo, but we have our 20 year school reunion next year and I'm glad I'm in touch now so that I can attend.

One thing I don't intend to do though is link my blog. Some people say blogs are narcissistic and they are probably right in many ways...it's an outlet to actually say what I think. I do still censor myself and try to be sensitive to those I know who read. As in day to day life I don't say things I wouldn't say to someone directly if pushed! But at the same time I feel strange about telling some of my friends about my blog. Maybe it's some kind of immaturity that I can't resolve my online and offline personas? For example, my husband doesn't read my blog. I'm not sure if that's weird or sensible.

In the rearview

Somehow, looking back, everything looks BETTER. I look thinner, happier, prettier. Life looks like it was more fun way back then...The house looks cleaner, the grass greener, the sky bluer. Everyone somehow looks full of joy, even when we look tired (in the pics with newborns for example).

How does our present and our past get so skewed? What makes it so hard to embrace the joy in the day to day, and yet, looking back at a photo has us wanting to go back in time if only for a moment? Is it because we only take photos on the happy days? Do more pics get taken in summer when the SAD has lifted for us all?

I do love looking back on old photos...but I find it troublesome that there are times I can't embrace the now! I've found the past few months kind of heavy in ways. I feel like I've had to tell myself 'enjoy this moment', knowing that it will pass and not wanting to only enjoy it in hindsight and wish to relive a moment I didn't give a good go the first time around (if that makes sense).

Humans are funny creatures...we all know what we need to do, and yet so many of us struggle to do it. Is it our culture that has us so focussed on future moments and acquisitions that prevents us from embracing the NOW...? Or is it just part of being human?

Why is it that at the end of the day, I'd rather write out my thoughts than put one more kid to bed?

My kids are growing up so fast, too fast I think. A pause button here and there would be nice and surely help me savour them more.

Why of course...

At some time today (I think it was after the four billion and fifty seventh time I removed my youngest from the recycling bin) it occurred to me that it was not the year past that was/would be the most difficult, but moreso probably the one ahead. The one where my baby is walking, but is still, essentially a baby. She is on the move, and she is into EVERYTHING. Toilet, recycling bin, climbing on top of the table, pulling everything out of the cupboard type everything.

For whatever reason (could be because they didn't do it, could be my shoddy memory) I don't remember this phase being too too hard with the others but ahhh I'm going to need my patience, especially in the face of constant interruptions, to rescue this child.

At this stage I'm not dealing particularly well...my dear husband has already asked me once to 'stop yelling at the baby' *reddens*. I know, I know, but I'm only human afterall. Give me strength.

Time's Up

I reckon it takes about a year to find your groove with a new baby. For about a year you can use the 'new baby' excuse for just about anything you like. I haven't managed to clean the kitchen today "because of the baby". Haven't done much knitting "because of the baby". Just have.not.had.time "because of the baby and all you know..."

After a year though, I just want to be getting my stuff together. I want to actually get it together earlier than that but I can't...you know, because of the baby...

So here I am, a year and a bit beyond the birth of my last baby and it's time. I've put myself on notice. All those annoying odds and ends that need tying up, prepare to be tied! Things that need to be tossed, prepare to make your way to the bin! or to goodwill! or ebay even! Every little thing that thought it got forgotten due to my sometimes all consuming procrastination...know that I am coming for you! I am going to find you and sort you and action you or toss you! (oooh that sounded a bit naughty even...the thought of it all is a touch thrilling). If you are made of yarn and have sat untouched for sometime prepare to be knit or frogged or forever banished to the scrap heap!

It is time...surely it is time.

And you know, if it takes a while...well urm, it's because I have three kids 5 and under ok?