Flat

I am feeling really stupid even posting this, but need to get it off my chest.

Today my closest and longest friend told me that her sister and her other best friend will be her bridesmaids at her wedding. She asked me if I was disappointed and I said "no, no..." whilst waving my hand away. She said, "oh you're disappointed" and I just changed the topic as easily as I could. Even though she's been engaged for months now she never mentioned bridesmaids, and I just assumed she wasn't having them. And I knew that even if she was, she's one of those people with lots of friends and close family so there was a good chance, probable chance that I would not be a bridesmaid.

Let me first be clear, I have never in my life wanted to be a bridesmaid...I mean it's just not something that ever crossed my mind. But it occurred to me driving home that this was probably my last chance to be one, and that I couldn't help but feel sad, that despite knowing this friend for two thirds of my life I will not stand beside her in a pretty dress in her wedding photo. And if I don't just get the bleep over it, then I will feel that pang whenever I see her wedding photos (because that's just the type of girl I am)...

This is not life shattering. That I've never been in this situation before is astonishing enough to me...I realise now that there must have been scores of women friends who have remained unchosen by their friends to be a part of their wedding.

And life is like that. Silly things, or maybe not so silly things, can throw our day, our world even, off kilter. We want our kids to be resilient, and that's easy enough when they're healthy, and bright, or popular, or funny and things just flow their way. As adults we know that often times there are things that can upset the balance, seemingly minor things can really alter our mood for a while if we let them.

I'm hopeful just writing this down will help. I feel a little childish for being upset over this...the friend she has chosen should definitely be in her wedding party, no question. But I do feel like the kid who didn't get picked for the team you know. Anyway I'll feel it, live it, roll it over in my mind for a bit and then get the fuck over it. That's what grownups have to do right?

I just don't know what to do with myself...

So many days I have so much to do, but just not enough time. So many days I choose rest and relaxation (if it's even possible) over housework and chores. Many a time when I have a free few hours at night with kids sleeping soundly I don't know what to do with myself...it's as if I have *too* many interests...Do I knit? Do I read? Make some jewellery? Do I blog? Do I do all those fiddly paperwork type chores that I can't do with the kids around? Or do I just lie on the couch with no purpose at all and put on the idiot box? Someday soon I'd like to learn to sew, or get back to playing piano, but when? Oh and forget about exercise - no time!

Usually I do read in the bath for a bit, and then sit on the couch and knit whilst watching telly...most nights I'm so tired I know I should get an early night, but instead once I hit that point I'll relocate myself in front of the pc to do a bit of net surfing. I end up going to bed an hour too late and feeling crappy in the morning. It's not a great cycle by any stretch, but old habits and all that.

I'm thinking about trying to get a few hours work next year - and that will necessitate some reading, some catching up to ready my frazzled brain. I'm not sure where that's going to fit in to be honest. Many a time I think "somethings gotta give", but what? I'd love to be dedicated to one task or hobby, but which one? I'm not prepared to give anything up...infact I'm looking to add more!

I could afford to cut down my computer use - but it really is a great social outlet for me, and there are many people I would miss if I turned off all together.

What on earth did I do before kids? I was so boring and bored. I went to work full time, had a very clean house with up to date washing, played a bit of piano and did a bit of knitting, but I still lay around on the couch watching tv too late and wondering what I was doing with myself.

Hmmm reading back and pondering all this, I think it's fair to say screentime is my problem isn't it? Now, will I be brave enough to actually do something about it!

Parenting : Mum vs Dad

Part of what makes this parenting gig so stressful (to me) is the dynamic between the two parents. My hubby and I had a bit of a trial run at parenting together when his stepchildren stayed part time with us...but they were older when we started, and I didn't have the responsibility nor the emotional investment that can make things hairy...Plus it was weekend visits and not the every day work that comes from 24/7 parenting.

Some days it flows, but on others there is just too much angst...I hate it! I am an only child, who I suspect got her own way a lot of the time, and whose parents could afford to be fairly laid back - there was no sibling rivalry or all day bickering to deal with. My hubby was one of four children (number 3) in a reasonably strict Catholic family. I suspect my MIL ran a tight ship, and at least until their teenage years I suspect the children would have been very well behaved...OR ELSE!

For the most part we haven't had any huge idealogical clashes or anything. My hubby has supported and encouraged the ways I've wanted to parent, extended co-sleeping (doesn't mean he wouldn't *like* more space in the bed!), extended breastfeeding, no smacking or shaming and so on. But there are so many opportunities to still handle things differently - and at times that is certainly a frustration.

My 5.5 year old is getting a bit mouthy lately, and a lot of the time I *can* just ignore it or laugh it off...I know he's trying to push my buttons and I feel I'd rather just leave it than make a fuss. But my DH will have none of it...it's all about respect I guess and he gets *very* mad when my ds talks to me that way.

Sometimes the weekend comes and after a whole week at home with the kids I just want to relax with them...loosen up in the rules and routines that are more necessary during the week. But what does hubby do? He gets short with them at times (of course I do too but that's different!) and for some reason this just makes me so cross. I'm constantly reminding myself that he has to have his separate relationship and dynamic going on with the kids, and that I wouldn't want him telling me how to behave.

Maybe life wouldn't be so hard if I stopped worrying about everyone else's behaviour and just concentrated on my own!

So it goes on...

Firstly I want to say a big THANK YOU to those who contacted me after my last post.

I think someday soon, I will make this blog invite only...it seems unfair to have so much sensitive stuff 'out there'. But at the same time, one thing I have learned about sharing, and opening yourself up, is that you can make connections you might not have otherwise made, and receive support you might not have otherwise received. I am ever so grateful for that.

The last few days I guess we turned a bit of a corner, and our lad has settled down a bit (we won't talk about me having to 'pretend' to drive away today to get him to come with us). I wonder if he didn't just have a testosterone surge or some such thing.

Anyway I want to talk about me now, and my screwed up head! I want to talk about how silly it is to let external stuff get us down. Stuff that isn't directed at us, and in the scheme of things probably not that important. Today at kinder I noticed one of the boys who I thought was one of F's pretty good friends was having a party, but no invite for us :(. It doesn't matter the reason...I know not everyone can be invited - but I immediately just felt down. And that bothered me...because that cloud just follows you doesn't it? I think too, being at the end of the third term...knowing the next one is our last at that kinder is getting me down a bit too.

Because of my daughter's young kinder age, she didn't get her pick of kinders and we have to settle for a different one than we'd planned. It's entirely likely that my youngest will go to a different one again. And I guess I'm feeling sad that the tentative community building I've been doing this year, after moving into a new suburb too, is all a bit of a waste. Nearly all the kids are heading off to one school, whilst we are the odd one out having chosen another. If you ever want to second guess yourself just go against the grain...I know because I've been doing it all my life! (not intentionally)

So I'm feeling a bit melancholy, a bit blue, a bit lonely for my boy for the birthday party he won't get to attend, and the friends who will fade away at the end of the year. And I'm really really really hoping I've made the right choice for next year!

Yeah it's hard...

You know, I couldn't fake a fabulous love of parenting if I tried. So I'm not going to bother. You know it's hard, I know it's hard.

We've had further struggles with the big boy over the last few weeks. Nothing necessarily new or that I can be specific about...just in general the 'whammy's' have been more frequent, the defiance more...well...defiant and so on. I should have known today might not be a great day to linger after kinder, given the type of behaviour we've had, and a reasonably pleasant morning ended with me carrying a kicking, screaming 5.5 yo (no mean feat) across the oval and into the car after he had an altercation with a much younger child. A mother friend rescued my other two, put her hand on my shoulder, empathised. Some other parents watched on, I'm sure being grateful it wasn't their child involved.

Over the last few days, dealing with my firstborn has felt so fucking hard. I have to quell thoughts of wishing he wasn't part of this family, or wondering what it would be like if he wasn't. And truth be told, our problems are so minor compared to many. But so much of our energies, our concerns, our efforts go into cajoling, negotiating, navigating life with a child whose mind of his own is definitely much at odds with ours.

On the upside, this is a sweet, imaginative, sensitive child...who even at his angriest struggles to hurt anyone. It's so obvious when he swings a fist that it comes entirely from frustration...there is no intent to hurt, he really woulnd't know how.

From our perspective we have one 5yo child with no-one to compare him to. We have been living with challenges for 5 years not knowing which are the normal parent ones and which are exaggerated by some underlying 'condition'. Even though he was sensitive as a baby, he really wasn't very difficult at all until at least 3. Friends who haven't seen him 'lose it' just think he's a bright child.

We are seeing someone in a couple of weeks and I hope just having the opportunity to talk to someone who is trained can shed some light. It would be easy to blame myself as so many of the things he does that annoy me could very well be modelled by me. But at the same time I know it's more than that...especially seeing my 3.5 yo is just so different.

OK that's enough of a brain dump for today.

Rallying in Canberra

We've been away on a road trip to Canberra. The lawns of Parliament House to be exact to attend The Mother of All Rallies in support of midwife assisted homebirth.

It was a long drive for 3 kids 5 and under (not to mention their parents), but the kids did quite well in the car and generally. They seem to get quite excited about new rooms, new beds and all that stuff that comes with staying in a motel. Unfortunately unless we're swanking it up, hubby and I generally don't sleep as well...afterall we're usually going down to a queen when we're away, as opposed to our king, which can accommodate four or five bodies as necessary.

Before we got married or at least had kids we did a lot of road travel, and I think we're still getting accustomed to the idea that kids are lots of work at home or away, and often more away, though others may tell you different. Either way they were ok, albeit a bit off here and there.

The weather was gorgeous on our first full day in Canberra, but turned to crap for the rally...the day in which we planned to stand outside for 3+ hours. Somehow we managed and I must commend the kids on their patience! Master F was quite happy to be 'going to talk to the government' and I think there's a lesson there for when he's a bit older.

Because there has been a bit of backpeddling on the issue of criminalising uninsured independent midwives (the bit about outlawing it is now on hold for two years), it is not unlikely that we will be back in Canberra in a couple of years time to give our support.

I have to say I have never seen so many Ergos (a type of baby carrier for those who don't know it) in my entire life. From afar you probably would have thought you were looking upon a bunch of 'hippies' and I guess there were a fair few who would proudly wear that tag. At the same time I think this is unfairly stereotyping a would-be homebirther. I don't take offence to the term, but I don't identify with it much either. One thing I will say though, that homebirth in itself is transformative and extends to many areas of parenting. In the same way that an interest in all things natural/organic etc may lead one to homebirth, homebirth itself is a path to gentle parenting, and more earth friendly ways of living. I don't always feel I fit with the tribe...but there is a connection amongst homebirthers I feel. I think it is fair to assume that many beliefs and idealogies are shared within that community even though you may not pick us for homebirthers. Either way the Ergo gives away something of our philosophies shared...as well as the skilled breastfeeders...after 5.5 years I'm fairly expert in feeding wherever, whenever, and with bubs in the Ergo is no exception!



I'm not sure what we achieved if anything. There was a small piece on the news. There are discussions being had here and there, but the misinformation and scaremongering make it impossible for me to tolerate. I'm not having any more babies, but knowing homebirth is a safe choice for many families, and also something women have a right to, means I will continue to support and rally as best I can.




PS: Love this banner we spied...says it all really.

Families & High Tea

Although I had everything a girl could need and more growing up, my lack of a 'proper' nuclear family unit including present father and requisite siblings made me sometimes yearn for the big family dinners or lunches that other 'proper' families seemed to have. Oh I know, there is a lot of dysfunction in those big families (like all families I guess), but I guess you tend to romanticize things you can't have.

I never wanted to be anything other than an only child (on balance, I had it good!), but I did want a big family for myself. So I got the guy, the three kids and the big old family house. And I have assumed the position of matriach and all that comes with it. Like cooking for most special family events for example. Sometimes I wish my mum did all this stuff...don't get me wrong, she does cook from us from time to time...but generally my Capricorn control freak feels the need to take on the big stuff, making things from scratch and trying to get things 'just so'.

I'm probably not really saying what I mean to say...which is that I take great pride in looking after my families gastronomic needs, as well as creating 'occasions'. I missed that a bit growing up (there's only so much pomp and circumstance you can create for two people)...My stepmother was a great cook, and I have fond memories of her cooking and creating special treats. I want my children to have those memories too...because a lot of love goes into nourishing a family. I struggle on a daily basis to be everything I want to be to my children - so being able to create food for them, especially when one has special dietry needs, is a tangible sign of my love.

Last weekend I felt the need to make a lamington cake for morning tea. To turn it into something more special I invited my mum and nan down to join us. The weekend before when my girlfriend was over I made scones for a devonshire tea. Perhaps it's the 'grownupness' of all sitting at at the table that appeals, but I do enjoy it. And our house is old enough to wonder about all the cups of tea that have been enjoyed looking out it's windows. There will be many more enjoyed in the future.