I'm all in a muddle!

Maybe I just shouldn't neglect this blog...

You know I have so much crap in my head. Really so much...and it's probably unfair to dump it on people.

The other blog, that I started in a wave of inspiration...well who knows what it will come to. If it vanishes mysteriously don't be surprised.

I think we all have parts of our lives we want to change. Although I think I have the internal motivation to make change, it really does help to have people to share that experience and spur each other along, no matter what the change is. And it's not even people saying 'well done', it sharing successes and knowing other people are having the same challenges or hurdles, and learning how they overcame them.

Overall I think I've been feeling low about myself for a long long time. The negative voices in my head are so ingrained now that I barely notice them. Of course if I look closely I'm kicking goals in some areas, but I know I let myself down in others. I NEED goals, and I NEED to achieve them to restore a little bit of confidence. Some of my goals will indeed be superficial and not necessarily the most important ones but my number one goal right now is just to achieve SOMETHING I set out to achieve.

Not another blog...

I have started a new blog called A Life Makeover, which is more a personal journal as I try to makeover some areas of my life. It could be very boring, or perhaps it could inspire...either way it's invite only, so could you please drop me a comment with your email if you would like an invite.

My hope is to get some words of encouragement from time to time, or to share with those who can relate.

PS: On further reflection I feel more self conscious about having the new blog private than not...so it's now a public blog. Don't expect anything profound, I really just wanted people on a similar path to be able to share their own experiences and support one another in setting goals and reaching them.

A Good Mother

I've been thinking a bit today, and at other times about what a Good Mother looks like.

We all have our preconceived ideas, which morph and shift as we move through conception, to pregnancy, to real life, in the deep end, no turning back motherhood.

There are things I've done (do), which no question I think are the 'right' things for my children, be it for their health or general wellbeing. But being only human there is probably lots I've done (do) wrong too.

One thing today that struck me as interesting in my thoughts was the way in which we (and society generally) are quick to judge parenting as the issue in some children's behaviour. Whereas at the same time, our friends are quick to tell us, "it's not your fault at all" when little Johnny is a misbehaving snot of a child.

Can we have it both ways? Some kids do have behavioural issues which may be linked to food, or allergies, or other mental issues and pity the poor parent who gets the 'bad parent' tag in those instances. But our moods DO affect our kids. Certainly the less stressed I am, the less stressed my kids are. And to that end there's obviously a chicken and an egg thing to those already 'spirited' children who push their parents to the edge, and who thereby become stressed, and the cycle continues. What a bloody minefield!

I do feel like a bad parent. I know I've said that here before, and I've been not so great on many an occasion since. In my defence though - it's often my best. I'm not sure how I feel about that. That my best couldn't be a little bit better.

Investigating it, exploring it, owning it...I hope it all contributes to a better day tomorrow...and the day after that.

Dear Blog

Once again I've neglected you...I've failed to make you a priority in my life. I can understand you're not amused but what can I say? I do think of you often - everyday infact, but sometimes I just can't find the words.

I know it feels like we've separated, but honestly my feelings for you haven't changed! Well, maybe that's a stretch...there are times...when I wonder...maybe a trial separation is in order?

No of course it's not what I really want. Look just give me some time. I promise I'll make it up to you soon.

Love me
xx

Walking

I just got back from a walk...oh how I love to walk...It's the kind of thing I forget until I'm actually doing it. There is so much more to it than just the physical aspect of putting one foot in front of the other. If night is falling I can capture glimpses of people doing different things in their houses...watching tv, eating dinner, moving from room to room. Possibly not too exciting to some but I would say I'm a bit of a voyeur so I enjoy it quite a lot.

Listening to my favourite tunes on the way and I'm regularly transported to a trancelike state as I pound the pavement. I find myself dreaming, thinking, pondering...I can be anything or anyone when I'm listening to music and walking.

I can tell you some walking stories from the past. I remember hearing of one fellow in particular who had a bad acid trip and got stuck walking walking walking, all through the night around Camberwell. I'd often see him doing this. There was also another girl I'd often see walking around the same area. She walked incredibly fast, like she was on a mission, and given the amount of times I spotted her whilst driving or out and about, it is fair to say she must have spent most of her days walking. There was something anxious, and not quite right about it...but at the same time, I confess I get it.

When I walk I am totally lost in myself...well it's the combination of the music and the walking that does it, but I feel as though I am just in heaven really - a place where anything is possible.